I can finally say that I survived my first college finals week. It was the longest week of my life; it seemed to last three years. My tests didn’t go as planned but I tried my best and practically became a slave to studying in the process. I reached the point towards the end of last week where my brain turned into mush and I began to feel like an extra on The Walking Dead.
Now I’ve been home for a few days and have never felt more relieved. I forgot how comforting it is to be able to hug my dogs and sleep in my own room on my bed that’s not 5 feet off the ground. I haven’t felt this at peace in a very long time; then again I’ve done something as strenuous as college finals.
Whether you finished your first ever week of finals or you third, you should feel extra proud. I don’t think there’s anything as stressful and tiring that exists in this world other than those seven days. We can say that we survived and maybe not have thrived, but we lived to tell the tale and that’s all that matters. As for grades, as long as you tried your best that too is all that matters. As my friends kindly reminded me at the end of my week, “C’s get degrees.”
As I struggled and fought my way through my tests, I had many realizations that I thought I’d share. I had many minor and one slightly larger, break downs throughout that time that brought on some very good thinking and reflecting time. The stress really makes you think about what the hell is happening in your life.
Ever since I entered college in August, I have been majorly confused about what I want to major in. Granted, most kids are probably in the same boat as me, but to me it has been nerve wracking. Growing up I’ve always had a plan for what I wanted to do and so all of a sudden realizing that I actually don’t know terrified me. Since the end of junior year of high school, I have felt torn when it comes to what I want to major in. I want to do so many things in my life time that I don’t know which to focus on. I came into college thinking I wanted to be a psychology major; three and a half months later I’ve realized that it’s not right for me.
I have a goal to eventually open my own LGBTQ+ Youth Center to offer numerous services to help young people of that community. So, I figured that majoring in psychology will allow me council individuals and help them directly. Now that I’ve figured out psychology isn’t right for me, I then added in social work classes for my spring semester; with a degree in that it’ll be a guarantee that I can open my own center. At first I was excited that I added these classes in for next semester and I still am, but the more the fall semester progress the more I began to feel inevitably stuck.
I wasn’t creating anything for class because I was taking standard classes, such as math and science. I then began to think about the fact that I was going into a noncreative field and how I think that would impact me long term. I came to realize that I wouldn’t be happy working unless I was creating something, more specifically, writing daily. I am nothing without writing and it’s taken me five mental break downs and early life crisis’s to figure that out.
Yes I still want to open my LGBTQ+ Youth Center, but I can still do that with a degree in something that excites me. And although I still don’t know exactly what that major is, I’ve at least come to the conclusion about focusing on writing.
I know this was long and fairly confusing but I just wanted to share my jumbled thoughts. If you’re conflicted or confused about what you want to major in, I promise it’s okay. Everyone goes through it and I think that’s what we need to remind ourselves of. If you want to figure out what you should major in, ask yourself what you’re passionate about. Talk to a friend about your situation and maybe you’ll say something that will catch your attention and answer all your questions. It’s scary not knowing what you’re doing or where you’re going, but I know for a fact that one day we will all look back on our past and feel so accomplished and proud of how far we’ve made it.
Another thing I came to understand is that we are all worthy of a beautiful life. In our dark times, that is when it’s hardest to remember this. There are moments, like many days this past week, where I didn’t believe that I’ll ever have a life I love; I’m convinced I’m going to be miserable and always feel stuck forever. Even though it may feel like that right now, I know 100% that it won’t last forever. As much as everything hurts, I know I won’t always feel like this; one day I will look back on this pain and feel so proud that I overcame it.
No matter what we all go through we all deserve to live a life filled with love. Even if you don’t think you deserve to be happy, you do, I swear. I have moments where I’m convinced that I don’t deserve to be happy or to build the life I love, for whatever reason, but it’s just not true. I think that as long as you work hard and pursue your endeavors passionately, whatever they may be, then you will have the life you deserve. And you’ll feel damn proud because you earned it.
So, here’s to living a beautiful life.
Until next time,