A letter to a friend who turned into somebody else.

I can’t listen to any 5 Seconds of Summer song without you grazing my mind.

I can’t visit the next town over because that’s where we’d spend all our time.

I can barely drive past your street without glancing at it remembering the thousands of times I turned at that traffic light.

I used to think that you would be sitting here with me in 2017. I imagined us ringing in every year together and making plans and goals for the year ahead, no matter how outrageous they seemed. But it’s nearly half way through the first month in 2017 and you’re nowhere to be found. You haven’t been in my life for a little over a year, which until this week, hurt me. Recently I’ve been reminiscing and remembering our past friendship and reflecting and trying to figure out what lessons I can take away from our past friendship.

I’ve never fully spoken or written about how you made me feel. I never described the moment of anxiety when you spoke about what happened in summer 2015 when you were away and sounded like somebody else. When I noticed your morals, that we had once shared, began to slip away, I knew it was a matter of time before you changed permanently. When you ditched me on my 18th birthday, that was the final straw; just so you know, my mother was so pissed that you did, that she nearly marched over to your house to express her anger. You had turned into somebody else and I didn’t want to be associated with who you became. You became a stranger to me after spending nearly two years telling me you were my family.

We had planned out our lives for the next six years when we met. We would get an apartment in New York with Debby after college. We promised that we would push each other to achieve our goals because we believed in each other more than we believed in ourselves sometimes. We would tackle the world together. We made plans to travel the world, hitting every country eventually. We made a pact to go to Europe in the summer of 2016 after I graduated high school and you graduated college.

Summer 2016 rolled around this past year and as I sat there in my room the day after my graduation, I remembered the empty promises you had given me. “We are family, we’re always going to be together. No matter what, we are going to Europe when you graduate. I promise you that this friendship, this family is forever.” I think that was when I finally accepted that you were never going to be in my life again. Even though I had hoped, for a whole year after you missed my birthday, that you would come back. I hoped that maybe, just maybe, you had actually meant all the things you said.

You threw the word “family” around as easily as you made promises. Because of you, I am scared that everyone who tells me that they’re “family” will leave me just like you did. I used to hold a lot of anger towards you because I didn’t understand where we went wrong. And even though I think I can pinpoint a certain period when we did, I’m not going to write about it. I’m not going to write about it because I don’t want to remember that moment. I don’t want to remember the moment I realized that you were no longer my long lost sister but rather a stranger sitting in the passenger seat of my car.

You were a major part in my formative years in high school; sophomore year to be exact. Because of this, I know I won’t ever forget you. I don’t know exactly how I feel about that, having it only been three years since we met. I think that I’ll always remember the lessons you taught me but I also know that I’ll reminisce about the good times that I wish would’ve continued.

Having this fall out with you, taught me that I deserve better; I deserve nothing but the sweetest kindest people around me. I’ve learned that I control who’s in my life and I’m not going to waste my time on people who don’t share my vision of a beautiful future. So thank you for teaching me these valuable things. Thank you for making me a stronger person.

I hope you enjoyed this post. I know it was a little different, but I needed to post it in order to move on from that chapter of my life. I hope you can take advice by me sharing my, fairly vague, story. Always remember that you deserve happy, kind, brilliantly supportive people in our life and nothing less.

So, here’s to building a dope inner circle of friends.

Until next time,




Spring Semester & Facing Fears

As we all now, Christmas break has come and gone and we have now delved back into our everyday reality of early mornings and depending on coffee to keep us going throughout our days. I am only in my second week of my spring semester in college and boy, has it already been a long one. Between getting classes settled and figuring out how to actually have a social life, I’ve gone to bed every night utterly exhausted. It’s worth it because I’m determined to make this semester way better than the last one.

In order to start this transition into the “best semester ever,” I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone a lot within the last seven days I’ve been back. I tackled the Involvement Fair (which was so big they were handing out five paged map packets) all by myself and managed to get information from multiple clubs that I want to join. I trusted myself wholeheartedly and dropped a class that I knew I wasn’t ready for; which was for a major I’m not too sure I want to be in. I’ve been going to the gym every single day; if you were wondering, yes it’s just as boring and treacherous as it sounds. I asked my semi-friend (who is now an actual friend) to go to an event with me, which resulted in us staying out late and wishing that our campus had a pizza place open past 10pm on a Friday.

I had promised myself before this semester started that I would push myself to do things no matter how uncomfortable I felt. My goal is to join a club or two, so I’m dragging myself out of my room and into social situations whether I want to go or not; I know that if I don’t go then I’ll only come to loathe myself for weeks on end. And while being uncomfortable and out of your comfort zone is unpleasant and scary, it’s become a normal feeling to me. I know that I have to basically shove myself into situations that I want to be in or else I just won’t go. For instance, tonight I went to a general informational meeting for my college’s fashion magazine. I want to be a part of a publication so badly, so I obviously wanted to go. While I was putting on my PVRIS sweatshirt (I’m sick so I can look homeless, at least that’s my excuse), I suddenly didn’t want to go. I was scared. Honestly, if you were to ask me what I’m scared of, I couldn’t tell you. Maybe it’s talking to strangers or the fear of rejection, I don’t know. What I do know is that I let go of my unknown fear and just went to the meeting.

Tomorrow is my interview for the magazine and even though I may be afraid that I’m not talented enough to be accepted onto the staff, I’m going to walk in fearlessly and confidently because in the end, what do I have to lose? The worst that can happen is that they don’t accept me; but even then, I’ll be able to say that I went and I tried and that’s a great thing. Trying is the first step on the way to success.

I’ve also become comfortable with being uncomfortable. I’ve realized that life isn’t exciting when you stay inside your little square of comfort. Yes, it’s familiar and cozy, but it’s not helping you grow. Adventure and opportunities are out there and they’re worth chasing, even if you feel like you’re running blindly towards them. If I’m being completely honest, I never know what I’m doing; I always feel like I’m running into a black abyss and I can never see where I’m headed. This used to paralyze me with fear because I couldn’t see my path, but now I’m starting to think that it’s okay to not know 100% what’s going to come your way. Instead of knowing, we can just take chances and make decisions as they come, after all, new ones pop up everyday.

If you’re trying to make a decision right now, whether it be to go to the club meeting or submit an application to your dream school or to start your own website, I say do it. Take a deep breathe and breathe out all your fears. Being uncomfortable is part of life and even though it’s anxiety filled at first, you’ll be glad you followed through with what you wanted to do, I promise.

So here’s to setting aside fears in order to do what you want and what will make you happy.

Until next time,


LDR Advice & Feelings

I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that my girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. In today’s post, I wanted to share the story of how we met and tips and struggles of being in a long distance relationship. I know, for me, when I’m feeling isolated for being in an LDR I like to read other couples’ stories; I hope this can help any one out there who is in the same position as me.

In August 2014, I had joined a website called TrevorSpace , which is basically a website like Facebook but it’s for LGBTQ+ youth and allies between the ages of 13 and 24. I wasn’t out to people in my personal life at the time so I was searching for other kids my age to talk to. I had met a few people but I hadn’t really clicked with any of them. I didn’t log on for a while until on May 2015 when I received an e-mail saying I had gotten a message from a girl named Crimson on TrevorSpace. I went through her profile, as any other excited curious teen would, and noticed that she lived in Texas while I lived in North Carolina. We began messaging on the website and all I could think the whole time was: “I really like her but I know I’m not lucky enough to one day call her mine.” With time differences, it was basically impossible to talk online, so I asked for her number and long story short, we haven’t stopped talking since.

Oh and I did end up being lucky enough to call her mine.


Source: vimeo.com/127496311

Now that 2017 is here (which is so crazy), I began to think about how this year will be Crimson and I’s two year anniversary. With that being said, it also is a pat on the back of sorts, having lasted and thrived in a long distance relationship for two years. We’ve been through a hell of a lot together and I just wanted to share a few of the things that I’ve struggled with and how I’ve come to cope with certain situations.

Some days the other person is going to be busy and they won’t be able to talk as much. They could be in school or at work where it’s impossible to text you or they could just be having a busy day with running errands and doing homework. For me, this is one of the hardest things that I had to learn. Sometimes I catch myself sounding like a whiney child in my head while thinking, “Hello? Do I not exist anymore? I just want you to talk to me.” It takes me a while to get out of this headspace but sometimes I’m stuck in it all day, like I was this past week. I become frustrated by the distance between us, I get angry. I’m never angry at her but I get angry and resentful towards the distance because that’s one thing that I can’t control at the moment. Some days I would sell my soul to have her next to me when I have a bad day; sometimes the act of wishing she was with me hurts more than the actual reason as to why I’m upset.

And sometimes, as hard as this may sound, they won’t be there for you in certain moments. In moments of sheer panic or anxiety, you might not be able to call them or communicate. I’ve had times where I’ve really needed Crimson, but she’s been in a class where she’s unable to text or in a meeting or has bad reception. Many thoughts have run through my head when she’s not available and I’m in a crisis. I always think: “Why do I have to keep going through hard moments alone?” This feeling normally goes away once she’s finally able to talk to me.

Rereading this I feel like I sound whiney and emotionally unstable, but I wanted to share some of the struggles I’ve had in my long distance relationship and how I deal with them. I know that someone out there can relate to this; after all, I feel like all LDR couples are in it together.


  1. Schedule Skype dates. Pick a date and a time that works for you guys consistently. Even if you both only can video chat for an hour twice a week, write that down and stick to it; it helps knowing that you have a set date and time to talk to your significant other.
  2. Talk about what you both want in the future. This is one of my favorite things to do with my girlfriend. Talk about where you want to live, your dream jobs, if you want any pets; start building a vision for your life.
  3. Create a vision board or blog or social media page together. Some of our favorites are Tumblr and Pinterest. You both can add pictures of things you want, places you want to travel, or anything else your hearts desire! I find it really fun because you get to see a visual of things that your significant other likes rather than only talking about various topics.
  4. Get your significant other’s school/work schedule. Instead of wondering what your partner is doing, you can look and say “oh they’re in English class right now” or “they’re work shift ends in an hour.” This involves you to feel like you’re there during their day rather than feeling like an outsider because you’re miles away.
  5. Remind yourself that the distance isn’t forever. You’ll graduate school. You’ll transfer to them. They’ll move in with you. The possibilities are endless. This chapter will end and you guys will begin the next one together, I promise.

Even though long distance is hard, it’s all worth it because I have her in my life. At this point, I can’t picture my life without her; I’m so grateful for Crimson. I will push through the distance as long as it takes for us to get to the moment that we can wake up next to each other every single morning.

I’m working my ass off in college right now so that when fall 2017 rolls around, I’ll be able to submit a top of the line application to Crimson’s school in Texas. I want to transfer to her school for many reasons, not just because she’s there. In fall 2018, I will hopefully be living with Crimson and attending school with her. Make sure you click the follow button so you can be here through our journey to end the distance!

So, here’s to love that conquers the distance.

Until next time,


Back When I Was Straight

I was told that he looked at me the way all girls wanted to be looked at. But when our lips touched, I felt nothing but boredom seep into my mind; was kissing supposed to feel like an everyday chore?

I felt no spark or butterflies but rather nerves and anxiety; this stemmed from many things, not just the fact that his extra curricular activity involved illegal drugs.

He never once held my hand or introduced me to his friends, rather they cheered him on from a distance when he kissed me.

I thought that if this was all relationship had to offer, no excitement or attraction, then I would rather end up single and on my own.

People gave me confused looks when they saw us together; even my friends seemed to be questioning my relationship. I was told that I could do better than a boy who was so deep into marijuana that he didn’t care about his future. But I wanted to give him a chance because everyone deserves a fair chance and a clean slate.

But the day he came over to my house high as a kite was the day I finally asked myself the question of: what the fuck am I doing in thus relationship? I was his girlfriend but also his babysitter at times; I didn’t sign up for half the things he put me through.

Two months later I broke it off. I knew that we were going in opposite directions and we weren’t going to make it. We had different values and goals; we were basically polar opposites. I had gotten tired of being with someone who didn’t encourage me to work towards my dreams.

He was my first relationship. I was young and naïve. Truthfully, I thought I could help him. I thought maybe I could help him get back on track and assist in his future planning. I didn’t want to change him; people cannot be changed unless they want and accept it. But I learned a great deal about myself by having gone through this. For instance, I’m actually gay.

A little over a year and a half later I met my beautiful girlfriend. I know that having been with a boy helped me realize that I actually don’t like boys. I also know that without him I wouldn’t have learned that as fast as I did.

I am grateful for having been in this relationship. My life took an unexpected turn afterwards and I’m glad it did. I wouldn’t be who I am without him today, which now that I think about it, is quite crazy. He was an important part of my journey and even though I spent a long time resenting myself for staying with him for two months, I have come to peace with that chapter and moment of my past. Now, when this time of year comes around (our relationship was through the holidays), I will no longer be bitter, but rather acknowledge how far I’ve come.

What’s a memory or time you’ve struggled with? Does it still feel like it’s behind you taping you on the shoulder or are you in the acceptance phase? Comment down below; I’d love to read what you guys have gone through.

So, here’s to making peace with the past and moving forward towards who we are meant to be.

Until next time,


Moments & People.

As 2016 came a close, I had come to realize just how many monumental moments occurred during the last year.

  1. I went to prom with my girlfriend. This was a big deal because we are a long distance couple, so doing something normal felt nice; it’s also how I basically came out to people at school.
  2. I graduated high school. That by itself is a giant accomplishment.
  3. I finally, after a year and a half of waiting, got my hair cut short.
  4. I began my freshman year of college and passed all my first semester classes (thank you God).

Along with these public moments that happened, I also learned more about myself more than I ever have:

  1. I’m nonbinary.
  2. Clothes that are traditionally considered “feminine” absolutely repulse me; I have finally transitioned to an androgynous style.

I have begun to look back on everything I went through in 2016 and have come to a conclusion:

It’s not about the moments, but rather the people you share those moments with.

This year I learned to appreciate the people I surround myself with. It’s very easy to take everything for granted, whether it be people or things. I caught myself not fully appreciating moments with the people that truly matter until I went home for Christmas break and was reunited with my three best friends. Hanging out with them, after being away for far too long, made me realize just how much I love them.


Source: quotesgram.com

When you look back on events and things that have happened, whether it just be from the last year or even the last five years, there are certain moments that bring solace and comfort while others bring happiness. But if you look deeper than just the moments, you will begin to see the people within those times. I think recognizing and acknowledging the ones who held your hand through everything is very important.

One big thing took me by surprise. For once, I wasn’t kicking and screaming about wanting to leave my hometown; I actually wanted to stay. As I packed to come back to school, I cried for many reasons. I was leaving my dog, who is sick and we don’t know how much more time she has left. I was leaving behind three of the most crazy, obnoxious, loud, eccentric, kind, beautiful, loving people I have ever met: my three best friends. I had actually enjoyed my time back in my hometown, which surprised me, and it gave me a sense of comfort that I’ve never quite felt before. I was scared to come back to a place that, for some reason, gives me anxiety and honestly doesn’t make me feel great.

As I sit here at my desk awaiting the start of second semester, that same fear still sits in my stomach. I may not know why and I may not be able to control it, but I am determined to make this semester better than the last. My life is in my hands and it’s about time I took control of it.

In my head this all seemed organized but now that I’m actually writing it I feel like this could be better. Although I feel that way, I’m trying to embrace letting go and watching what words form. On that note, I’ll leave you with a little something I jotted down in my phone notes on New Year’s Eve.

As I sit here with five minutes left in 2016, I am utterly grateful and relieved that I made it through the year. I’m ringing in the new year with my girlfriend, who I love more than anything. I have my dog with me and I get to hug her at midnight; knowing that she won’t be here much longer makes this holiday mean a lot to me.

I am proud of myself for getting through the year and you should be proud of yourself too. 2016 was a fairly hard and interesting year for many people. Lets make 2017 the year of YOU. The year of letting go of insecurities and worries and fears and instead work towards what you want no matter what. Because we are all worthy of a big and beautiful life.

So, here’s to making 2017 the year of us. The dreamers. The creators. The goal setters.

Until next time,