I was told that he looked at me the way all girls wanted to be looked at. But when our lips touched, I felt nothing but boredom seep into my mind; was kissing supposed to feel like an everyday chore?
I felt no spark or butterflies but rather nerves and anxiety; this stemmed from many things, not just the fact that his extra curricular activity involved illegal drugs.
He never once held my hand or introduced me to his friends, rather they cheered him on from a distance when he kissed me.
I thought that if this was all relationship had to offer, no excitement or attraction, then I would rather end up single and on my own.
People gave me confused looks when they saw us together; even my friends seemed to be questioning my relationship. I was told that I could do better than a boy who was so deep into marijuana that he didn’t care about his future. But I wanted to give him a chance because everyone deserves a fair chance and a clean slate.
But the day he came over to my house high as a kite was the day I finally asked myself the question of: what the fuck am I doing in thus relationship? I was his girlfriend but also his babysitter at times; I didn’t sign up for half the things he put me through.
Two months later I broke it off. I knew that we were going in opposite directions and we weren’t going to make it. We had different values and goals; we were basically polar opposites. I had gotten tired of being with someone who didn’t encourage me to work towards my dreams.
He was my first relationship. I was young and naïve. Truthfully, I thought I could help him. I thought maybe I could help him get back on track and assist in his future planning. I didn’t want to change him; people cannot be changed unless they want and accept it. But I learned a great deal about myself by having gone through this. For instance, I’m actually gay.
A little over a year and a half later I met my beautiful girlfriend. I know that having been with a boy helped me realize that I actually don’t like boys. I also know that without him I wouldn’t have learned that as fast as I did.
I am grateful for having been in this relationship. My life took an unexpected turn afterwards and I’m glad it did. I wouldn’t be who I am without him today, which now that I think about it, is quite crazy. He was an important part of my journey and even though I spent a long time resenting myself for staying with him for two months, I have come to peace with that chapter and moment of my past. Now, when this time of year comes around (our relationship was through the holidays), I will no longer be bitter, but rather acknowledge how far I’ve come.
What’s a memory or time you’ve struggled with? Does it still feel like it’s behind you taping you on the shoulder or are you in the acceptance phase? Comment down below; I’d love to read what you guys have gone through.
So, here’s to making peace with the past and moving forward towards who we are meant to be.
Until next time,