I can’t listen to any 5 Seconds of Summer song without you grazing my mind.
I can’t visit the next town over because that’s where we’d spend all our time.
I can barely drive past your street without glancing at it remembering the thousands of times I turned at that traffic light.
I used to think that you would be sitting here with me in 2017. I imagined us ringing in every year together and making plans and goals for the year ahead, no matter how outrageous they seemed. But it’s nearly half way through the first month in 2017 and you’re nowhere to be found. You haven’t been in my life for a little over a year, which until this week, hurt me. Recently I’ve been reminiscing and remembering our past friendship and reflecting and trying to figure out what lessons I can take away from our past friendship.
I’ve never fully spoken or written about how you made me feel. I never described the moment of anxiety when you spoke about what happened in summer 2015 when you were away and sounded like somebody else. When I noticed your morals, that we had once shared, began to slip away, I knew it was a matter of time before you changed permanently. When you ditched me on my 18th birthday, that was the final straw; just so you know, my mother was so pissed that you did, that she nearly marched over to your house to express her anger. You had turned into somebody else and I didn’t want to be associated with who you became. You became a stranger to me after spending nearly two years telling me you were my family.
We had planned out our lives for the next six years when we met. We would get an apartment in New York with Debby after college. We promised that we would push each other to achieve our goals because we believed in each other more than we believed in ourselves sometimes. We would tackle the world together. We made plans to travel the world, hitting every country eventually. We made a pact to go to Europe in the summer of 2016 after I graduated high school and you graduated college.
Summer 2016 rolled around this past year and as I sat there in my room the day after my graduation, I remembered the empty promises you had given me. “We are family, we’re always going to be together. No matter what, we are going to Europe when you graduate. I promise you that this friendship, this family is forever.” I think that was when I finally accepted that you were never going to be in my life again. Even though I had hoped, for a whole year after you missed my birthday, that you would come back. I hoped that maybe, just maybe, you had actually meant all the things you said.
You threw the word “family” around as easily as you made promises. Because of you, I am scared that everyone who tells me that they’re “family” will leave me just like you did. I used to hold a lot of anger towards you because I didn’t understand where we went wrong. And even though I think I can pinpoint a certain period when we did, I’m not going to write about it. I’m not going to write about it because I don’t want to remember that moment. I don’t want to remember the moment I realized that you were no longer my long lost sister but rather a stranger sitting in the passenger seat of my car.
You were a major part in my formative years in high school; sophomore year to be exact. Because of this, I know I won’t ever forget you. I don’t know exactly how I feel about that, having it only been three years since we met. I think that I’ll always remember the lessons you taught me but I also know that I’ll reminisce about the good times that I wish would’ve continued.
Having this fall out with you, taught me that I deserve better; I deserve nothing but the sweetest kindest people around me. I’ve learned that I control who’s in my life and I’m not going to waste my time on people who don’t share my vision of a beautiful future. So thank you for teaching me these valuable things. Thank you for making me a stronger person.
I hope you enjoyed this post. I know it was a little different, but I needed to post it in order to move on from that chapter of my life. I hope you can take advice by me sharing my, fairly vague, story. Always remember that you deserve happy, kind, brilliantly supportive people in our life and nothing less.
So, here’s to building a dope inner circle of friends.
Until next time,