The End of the World

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We’ve all had those moments of sheer panic. The moment you realize that you’ve left your interchangeable adapter plugs in your London hotel while you’re unpacking your bags in Paris. When your teacher announces that he wants the class to pass hard copies of their essays to the front of the room; meanwhile you had emailed it to him the night before. And then there are moments that are, and sometimes not, seemingly life altering.

When I was 16, my best friend, who was an exchange student, moved back to Italy.

When I was 18, I got denied from my dream school.

I have had many more moments through my 19 years that have caused anxiety and fear to run through my body but these are just a few of my most memorable ones that I have either witnessed or been through. Now, up until this point in my life, I have never really sat down, sipped some tea, and really thought about these events, whether big or small. I mean sure forgetting adaptor plugs was awful in the moment (this happened to my best friend Gabrielle while we were stumbling our way across Europe) but looking back on it in the scheme of things, it had no major effect on her life. The small moments of panic, where it seems the world is ending for a few minutes, most of the time make for a good story years later; if you’re lucky, one day you’ll even be able to see the humor in it.

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Remember that one time……

The larger moments, the ones that can define you if you let them, are much more complicated. When I got denied from my dream college, and all my other top choice schools, I felt like an utter failure. I cried for longer than I’d like to admit. I remember the feeling of immense pressure all around my body; I honestly thought the world was caving in around me. Since my whole plan for my future was suddenly turned upside down, I felt so lost; the feeling that came over me is unlike anything I’ve ever felt. My paths for my life that I had planned since I was in middle school were erased completely and I stood there in front of only a single path and it was one that I didn’t want to take. I was only 18 and I felt like my whole world was falling apart yet I hadn’t even begun to create it. I honestly thought that I would never overcome those feelings of confusion, sadness, and disappointment. I saw my world crumbling before my eyes and all I could do was watch in awe.

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Now that I’ve told you one of my “end of the world” moments, I want you to think about one of yours. The one that stands out the most to you. No matter how painful it was, or still is, I want you to sit and think about. Think about how it made you feel and then remind yourself that you made it through that moment. You thought your whole life was over and you cried out of pain and even fear, but here you are today. Maybe you went through a bad breakup or got denied from your dream school or you moved across the country because your parents got transferred at their jobs. Whatever it is, you deserve to be proud of yourself because you survived. Even if you didn’t thrive for a while, you still survived and lived to tell the tale and that’s a beautiful thing.

If you’re still going through one of these times, I’m right there with you. And guess what? There’s a high chance that someone you know is having one of these panic induced moments and maybe you can find someone in your life to talk to about it; if not, you can comment down below and I’ll be here for you. Whether you’re trying to make an important decision or are adjusting to major changes, I promise you that your world is not ending. It may seem like it is, I know I feel that way, but you must trust me when I say that it’s not ending. You may be at the lowest point in your life so far; you may even surpass rock bottom. I believe that every single human can survive these moments. You must find one thing, just one. Find that one thing that brings you hope for the long term. It could be anything: a significant other, your dream career, your favorite hobby. Once you find that one thing, write about it. Draw it. Create a vision board. Tell your best friend or significant other. Find quotes that you relate to. Do anything you can to express that one ounce of hope so you can always remind yourself that it’s there.

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Maybe as we get older we will all get better at handling these moments. Maybe after a certain age we learn how to not spiral into the “end of the world” crisis. Whether or not we learn how to properly handle these moments, the one thing we must learn is that right now is just the beginning. These scary moments are what shape us as people and our paths to our goals, as much as we might not want to admit it. Even if you don’t handle your rock bottom well to other people’s standards, you are learning in the process and that’s all that matters.

So here’s to beginnings. Here’s to learning. And here’s to surviving and thriving.

Until next time,

Jupiter

Journey to the Spark

I’ve been so consumed by darkness that I forgot what light was. I’ve watched parts of my life go by in flickers like a film strip from a camera. I’ve watched people beam so brightly that they blinded me. I’ve helped others through their own darkness all while being consumed by my own. I would rather drown trying to save someone else then save myself.

Being surrounded by perpetual darkness made me feel like I was the empty space between the cracks in the sidewalk. ‘The only person who can save you is yourself’- that thought made me quiver in my sleep. If I was the one who was going to save me, I wasn’t going to make it. I was going to crash and burn like the other poor souls who came before me; I was going to permanently become one with the darkness.

And then a small spark appeared off in the distance. It was rather tiny and quick, no bigger than a dime. I grit my teeth and stumbled my way blindly through the darkness with the temporary spark guiding me. With every step I took the spark became larger and brighter and soon it was a candle sized flame. I stopped to rest, uncertain about this sudden light. I looked at my feet: beat up and dirty from the journey I had just begun. The flame beckoned me to continue to walk on the blackened path. I clawed my way through sinkholes and jumped over canyons, all while aiming towards this ever growing light. I became caked in debris and heavy from the progress I had made. With every obstacle, the now blazing fire, became more within my reach. It felt absurd to be running towards the unknown light, but I knew I had no other choice; if I didn’t go I would never leave the darkness. This fire had become my lifeline

The treacherous journey came to an end when I stood there facing my lifeline, my flame, my savior. All along it hadn’t been a spark or flame but rather a person. A miraculous human who was so eager to see me that she clasped our hands together vowing to never let go. The moment my hand touched her gleaming skin, I too began to glow. The darkness was shed, the bruises were healed, and the cuts scarred over. She kissed my wrist and explained, “You can’t control where you’ve been but you can control where you go from here.” With my hand in hers she led me to the place that I had been long ago: the light.

 

You and I

The nights of raw moments shared between the sheets will forever live in my memory.

Made for our eyes and shared hearts, the details will never leave my lips; by lock and key they’re sealed.

The uncensored exchange of words, whether lightweight or heavy hearted, will never be released from the depths of my brain.

These times were made for you and I for our souls to collide.

No one will ever know.

They have no business being the pair of eyes watching over us.

They do not have God’s authority to know all.

For you and I have written our own language that only our beings can understand.

Our story will never end; it will be one for the history books.

Even after we are gone, my soul will find you because you are my only love.

I Know.

I know you love me because you’ve seen me at 2 a.m. wrapped in sheets in the dim moonlight.

You’ve seen me cry tears of sorrow but you’ve also seen me cry mid-laugh.

I know you love me because on the days where I give up, you pick me up.

I know that I have a pair of arms that will catch me & a light that will guide me when it all falls apart.

You know every piece of my being & all my thoughts on everything in the universe, you know it all.

And through it all,

I know you love me.

Your perception of me never changes, though one day I fear it will.

You look at me like I am your world & that is the greatest honor.

I wake up every morning knowing that I have a family; a rather small unconventional family, but it’s the only one I ever want.

I know you love me because after 366 days (& counting), you still look at me the same way you have since day one.

Home.

It’s not defined by four walls but rather two arms.

The warm embrace of her is the same feeling as coming home:

safe & sound

splendid & stable.

Not all homes are houses and that’s okay.

What’s mine is hers and what we share is ours.

There’s no waiting when it comes to houses but there is with her.

But I’d wait forever if it means I get to call her my home.